Are You an Online Dating Snob?

Are You an Online Dating Snob? Here’s How to Change Your Ways

The way a person lives his life depends a lot on what he believes - the narrative in his head.

He may believe that it is a son's job to obey his parents, so he works in the family business. He may believe that a person should explore the world, so he moved out early and never stopped traveling. He may have believed that humans should help each other and studied to become a doctor so he could go overseas to help those in need. He may have believed that good deeds must be punished and avoided paying the price for others.

All of this to say - we believe that these stories can greatly influence the course of our lives. When it comes to how to date, this is one thing to keep in mind.

Because online dating is such a big part of our contemporary love lives, these apps seem to be where people go to date snobs. While many people will swipe right on everyone they see, it's also true that some people have too high of standards and will ignore people's profiles for the slightest infraction.

To uncover the case of online dating snobs, AskMen interviewed some dating experts. Here's what they had to say:

Why some people are online dating snobs

"Some singles are too picky about dating apps because they have too many options," says Cornell Barrett, dating coach and host of the How to Find a Girlfriend podcast. "Someone with an attractive profile can get hundreds of matches a week - I've met women with thousands of 'likes' on Tinder and Bumble. "

Barrett notes that with so many options, "it's easy to become overly picky and look for someone who meets every requirement on your list."

But in doing so, you may be lifting a stone.

"I think people are sometimes too picky and sometimes not picky enough, usually because they're being selective about the wrong things," says Suzannah Weiss, FrolicMe's sex/relationship coach and resident sexologist. "For example, many people swipe left or right based on appearance-which is understandable because there's not much else you can do when using a dating app."

But, she notes, if you're looking for something more than a brief fling or one-night stand, "you should be honest with yourself and see if this sexy person who has nothing in common with you is really a good candidate. "

This is especially true when you consider how online dating apps work.

"Unfortunately, with online dating, I believe we can only get 'highlight reels' of that person and determine who we are looking at based on their prompts, their choice of photos, and what they claim to be their true selves," LifeStance Health LMFT's Leanna Stockard said. "We don't really have a full picture of who the person is, and ultimately we can only make some assumptions about them over the course of 30 seconds."

She says it's common for people to make additional choices "based on superficially important things like appearance, height, or even the boat in the photo."

However, Stockard says, "In terms of selectivity, it's important not to confuse superficial selectivity (based on appearance, height, etc.) with compatibility selectivity (similar needs, values, interests). I think it's important to be more selective in a positive way to match people we really want to be with in the long term."

The Benefits of De-Snobbing

In short, the benefit of being a little more open-minded is that you could meet the love of your life.

"Imagine you're looking for a new home," says Weiss. "You want to look at a particular neighborhood because you're familiar with it, but you can't find anything good there. So, you decide to venture a little bit outside of that neighborhood, and then you realize that there's actually better real estate there, and there's more to do elsewhere."

It happens all the time, she says - and in the case of dating, too.

"Sometimes we get caught up in finding things we know we like because we're afraid to step out of our comfort zone," Weiss notes. "But once we do, we realize there are plenty of sexy brands out there that can appeal to us. Not only that, but we can connect emotionally with so many different people."

Broadening your horizons, says Stockard, allows you to "potentially match with people who might be a good fit for you, people with whom you have a more emotional connection, and/or people who can challenge you in a positive way." "

"I think it's important to consider how successful you are at matching with people who are genuinely interested through the current screening process," she adds. "It might be worth being more open-minded and matching yourself with people who can make more meaningful connections."

Barrett concludes, "Don't let perfection be the enemy of excellence. If you broaden your horizons instead of sticking to 'perfect' dating leads, you'll bring more great candidates into your love life."

And, as Weiss points out, the stakes don't have to be as high as you might think.

"These connections don't necessarily lead to sex or romance," she says. "Most dates don't result in a relationship anyway, so if you can be open to relationships that aren't romantic, you'll get rid of that mentality of picking from a small pool of people because you're afraid of 'failing.'" "

Dating that doesn't result in sex or a relationship is not a failure. People can find friends, roommates, business contacts, and even people who introduce them to prospective partners through dating sites!"

How to Broaden Your Dating Horizons

"I think the first step is to identify the conscious or subconscious standards you've set for yourself for online dating," says Stockard. "Next, take some time to understand how those standards benefit your online dating and how they don't, and use your past experiences to determine what's really most important to you and how to look for it."

Once you've done that, she says, you may begin to think of online dating as a kind of funnel.

"There are steps in this channel to find the person you want to be with," she explains. "Start with a broader background and work your way through the slides to match people you find interesting or who might be a good fit for you. After that, you can further narrow down your choices by talking to people online and eliminating those you don't think you'd relate well to or feel there are too many red flags. Then, we further narrow down the choices by meeting and/or dating them in person."

To find out who's best for you, Weiss suggests making a list of your "non-negotiable" qualities.

"If you do have strong physical preferences, that's great, but I recommend asking yourself if those preferences are really absolutes," she says. "Then, when you're browsing profiles, make sure your swipe really reflects your list of priorities. For example, if you really value people who are good communicators, you might not actually want to bother with someone who has a great photo but no profile. If a person is less educated than you, then you might take a chance on them if they are very open and focused in their message.

It's OK to have standards! Just ask yourself where your standards come from and if your online dating behavior truly reflects those standards."

Barrett says you may not even need all the qualities you think are most important.

"As a men's dating coach, I teach my guys the '60% rule.' Write down five characteristics that are important to your partner. Then, start dating someone who has at least three of those five traits."

Dating someone who fulfills most (but not necessarily all) of the traits you're looking for can help you get a clear picture of what you really need in a partner to make you happy, as well as what traits feel like they should be important to you, but really aren't.